From Tragedy to Hope: A Mother's Journey Through Unimaginable Loss

Freida McDonald shares her devastating experience of losing both her sons—Stephen to homicide and Michael to fentanyl poisoning—and how she transformed her grief into a mission to help others battling addiction. Her powerful story illustrates how grief can lead to addiction and how knowledge about the dangers of fentanyl and street drugs can save lives.

• Stephen was murdered in 2012, shot and killed during a robbery
• Michael turned to prescription painkillers (Roxys/Oxycontin) to cope with losing his brother
• The path from prescription pills to street drugs to heroin happens quickly and is common
• Fentanyl has infiltrated the street drug supply, making every use potentially fatal
• Michael died of fentanyl poisoning in 2016 while in recovery and likely had no idea what he was taking
• Pressed counterfeit pills and all street drugs now commonly contain deadly fentanyl
• Stephen had a tattoo reading "No K-N-O-W Hope" which inspired Freida's nonprofit organization
• Recovery requires facing the struggle every day, similar to grieving a profound loss
• Addiction is not simply a choice but a brain disease that compromises decision-making
• Helping others enter and maintain recovery brings Freida joy and purpose through her pain

https://www.knowhopenorthcarolina.com/

The Fatal Facts of Fentanyl podcast is dedicated to raising Awareness to the illicit FENTANYL crisis hitting the USA.

The goal is to SAVE LIVES and families from this travesty.

Awareness and Education are the Key.
Knowledge is Power!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Freida's Story
• 11:55 Michael's Path to Addiction
• 16:20 Understanding Fentanyl's Deadly Impact
• 24:36 The Reality of Street Drugs
• 29:49 Know Hope: Creating Purpose from Pain
• 33:23 Supporting Recovery and Finding Joy

Transcript

Lisa Carole: 3:44

This week's guest will be sharing her heartbreaking story of not only losing one son, but her only two sons due to separate tragedies. Her older son, Stephen, was robbed, then shot and killed. His younger brother, Michael, turned to opiates to help relieve his pain of losing his older brother. His journey led him to an addiction that he tried so hard to combat, yet he died from fentanyl poisoning. In speaking with their mother her name is Frieda we each agreed that both of her son's stories need to be shared. Although Stephen and Michael died four years apart, each at the young age of 24, as close brothers, their lives and their deaths are intertwined. I believe everyone has a unique story to tell that brings value to the world. Freida is a very unique, inspirational and strong woman. Her story will help others understand about addiction and how to turn your sorrow and grief into helping others. Let's all listen and learn.

Freida McDonald: 5:01

Lisa, it's so good to be here today.

Lisa Carole: 5:05

Hi Freida, Thank you. Thank you for this interview. I've come to know you as a friend. Please share with our audience your story about your beautiful boys.

Freida McDonald: 5:16

Well, I really appreciate the opportunity.

Freida McDonald: 5:18

Lisa, as you mentioned, I lost my son, Stephen Hoyle, January, the 26th 2012.

Freida McDonald: 5:28

And it was a homicide and we lost him from gunshot and his brother, Michael, was very understandably devastated, as we all were were, and many of his friends said that at that point in his life that we began to lose Michael at the same time that we lost Stephen.

Freida McDonald: 5:52

I will say that for myself, I got very busy going to grief groups, trying to get myself surrounded by people that understood that had also lost someone, and I managed to find a connection with other people that had lost someone to homicide and that helped me. But for Michael, he found other ways to deal with his grief and unfortunately, he began to self-medicate and a part of that ended up introducing him to what he said the world of Roxy's, and in that world he became addicted in a relatively fast period of time and he also shared with me that, as a result of taking the Roxy's and getting addicted to them, that the opportunity to get them was becoming more and more limited as time went on, as time went on and he began to get them on the streets and that's what ended up with his heroin addiction. So we went from prescription pain pills to pills on the street, to heroin, in a relatively short period of time.

Lisa Carole: 7:22

Yes, ma'am, I'm so sorry. I know this is painful for everybody within a family. So what I'm hearing from you, Freida, do you feel the pain of losing Stephen led Michael to opiates in order to help him numb and cope with his pain.

Freida McDonald: 7:39

I do. I feel like that. He would say to me. I think this is the best way to remember it. He would say to me I'm really proud of you, mom, for going to the grief groups.

Freida McDonald: 7:51

I actually began to facilitate some homicide grief groups and he would give me credit for doing that, for dealing with my pain in that way. He always said that he was just so proud of me for doing it. I obviously would invite him to go with me to some visuals and some other things associated with the things that I was doing around homicide and he just always said that he just did not feel like he could do that. But, as all of us know, we are going to do something with our pain and when you are a very young person 20 years old and you're struggling with that kind of grief, just knowing that there might be something that will take away that pain, you're not going to think it through in the way that you may if you were an older person or a person that had more life experience, and so for him that was the choice that he took just numb the pain Exactly, I have heard this story before numerous times and in order to hide the pain that's actually what addiction is is to cover and hide the pain.

Lisa Carole: 9:10

And, unfortunately, the opiates. Like you said, it started with the Roxy's, which is actually a form of Oxycontin. Is that correct? That's correct, okay. And then it moves to the street heroin and now it's fentanyl. That's killing people and it's more deadly out here. Can you tell me experiences and what you have learned about fentanyl?

Freida McDonald: 9:39

Well, interestingly enough, as I said, Michael himself told me that he was using Roxy's as he was reflecting back by the time we got to rehab. So fentanyl at that time and we're talking now about 2013, end of 2013, 2014 and 2015. So we've learned a lot since then, I believe, but at that time I did not even fentanyl was not on my radar. I was not hearing about fentanyl. I was not talking about fentanyl with people. I was talking to people about oxys and having addictions around that and it leading to heroin, but not fentanyl, and so that was a new thing heroin but not fentanyl and so that was a new thing. The first time I heard about fentanyl was when I got the toxicology report for my son. I did not know about it then, so I often say I wish I had known then what I know now. And of course, it's a huge problem now and we're hearing it all the time, especially in the grief groups and in the recovery groups.

Freida McDonald: 10:53

Everybody is losing loved ones to fentanyl, but at that time I didn't know about it and that is what Michael died from, and I believe I know that some people do go seek fentanyl.

Freida McDonald: 11:09

I understand that from just talking with people that are struggling with addiction. But I believe at that time that Michael was, he was in a rehab, he was in a recovery house. He was in a rehab, he was in a recovery house and he was in. I believe he just relapsed and he was searching for heroin and did not realize what he was getting. And I do know who he was with and that story's been pretty much backed up by the person that he was with that he didn't know he was doing fentanyl and so when he used what he thought was a mount that he was accustomed to using, it was much stronger, obviously, and it turned out from the toxology report that he really didn't have any heroin in his system. He had furanil fentanyl, and that was February of 2016. So that was something that I saw in a lot of other reports after his that. For a couple of months after that, we lost quite a few people from that particular type of fentanyl.

Lisa Carole: 12:20

Freida, you and I share the same story. Actually, it's actually what happened. Freida, you and I share the same story. Actually it's actually what happened. Same parallel lives as with my son.

Lisa Carole: 12:27

He was in active recovery and in a recovery house and both he and his roommate died of pure fentanyl and I truly believe I spent the day with him that day. Spent the day with him that day and he showed me no indications of relapsing, which was a shock to me and his family when he passed away. But I was under the same as you. I didn't have a clue about fentanyl. I didn't know anything about fentanyl until his toxicology report and he had a trace of cocaine. So I truly believe that he wasn't purposely buying fentanyl. If he was, it was news to me because I never heard of it and he actually, I think, was buying or given something that he didn't have a clue the amount of fentanyl that was in this.

Lisa Carole: 13:23

So it's death by deception as far as I'm concerned, and listening to you and so many parents, tell us in your experience, now that you have unfortunately had to learn this. All of us had to learn this the hard way. Tell us what you have learned. I know you are helping other people, but tell us what you have learned by the pressed pills that are out here. People buying counterfeit pills all fentanyl. They think they're getting other drugs. Can you elaborate on that for us and teach our audience what is truly going on nowadays?

Freida McDonald: 13:58

What I've learned, Lisa, since being introduced to this from the loss of Michael, is that once an addiction takes hold and so often it does take hold from some sort of an oxy prescription. A big percentage of the time I've seen that to be true, and it may happen in different ways. In my case it was from grief, from the loss of a brother. In many of my friends' cases, whether it's their own addiction or their loved one's addiction, it was accidents, injuries, prescriptions, and that to me seems to be the majority of the time. Unfortunately, the hold of addiction comes on very, very quickly, especially with the young people. I know it's across the board and it does not discriminate, but with the young people they're a little bit more of a risk taker, as we probably all were, in that they'll say well, if this makes me not feel it as much, another one will make me not feel it at all, and they just don't even realize the danger that they're looking at. So with the terrible fentanyl issue that we're having, even with the pill meals and the places that were prescribing it throughout the country, as these years have unfolded, the likelihood that someone would be there that would know that someone could be addicted, that was there. I've oftentimes heard that right outside the place where they went to get their prescription there was somebody that they could go to if they couldn't get what they needed. That would literally be in the parking lot just pretty much waiting for them. So it's become. It became as the pain clinics popped up across the country and as it became more of an epidemic. It was so easy it was actually easier to get it from the person on the street than it was to get it from a doctor or from a clinic, because they began to put it in the computer that you were getting it and they could compare and they could see if you were getting it somewhere else. And it became more expensive for them and it was cheaper on the street. More expensive for them and it was cheaper on the street. And so what I didn't understand that I understand now is that you can get a bag of heroin or a bundle for $10, or in some places up the road you might be able to get it for $8, and you might have to pay $25 or $30 for a pill. $25 or $30 for a pill. And so obviously it, just as the addiction kicks in, it makes sense to just be able to get what you get as most as you can. What I didn't know, that I know now is really Oxy and heroin is the very same thing. It's the same drug. It's stigma makes it sound like you're taking something a lot worse if you're doing heroin, versus taking something that was prescribed. But it's really the same thing.

Freida McDonald: 17:29

And the fentanyl began to show up because it was cheaper and it could be cut into the heroin. It was cheaper for the dealer and it was easy, especially in the beginning on the East Coast. It would come in from China and it was easy to put it into as a powder into it. That would have been a little bit more difficult with black tar coming up from Mexico into the West years ago, but it was easy with the powder to cut it into it. And so that became more of the go-to. And the stronger the addiction, the longer the addiction has gone on and tolerance begins to build. That's why you do hear people saying that they actually were seeking some fentanyl because they knew that that would give them what they needed to not be dope sick anymore, knew that that would give them what they needed to not be dope sick anymore. And the fentanyl from China was being like the furanil fentanyl definitely came from China and it was being ordered online, so it was an opportunity for people to make a lot of money and sell it really quickly, because the amount of people that were in addiction had grown substantially over the years that my children were or our children, I should say, were in those very vulnerable times in their lives. So that's, I guess, the biggest lesson that I've learned from it is the danger of the respiratory system.

Freida McDonald: 19:10

Shutting down is something that we're hearing more about, but I don't know that in 2016, I don't really know that my son even was worried about that. I think that he just thought, as long as he could measure it out, he was doing what he had always done, that he didn't have anything to worry about, and I really think that that was the case then. I've also heard people say that they started getting worried about the fentanyl being in heroin and so they started doing some other types of meth has risen and it's gotten more popular, and there was an illusion that, well, the fentanyl is showing up in the heroin, but not necessarily in the meth. But that's not even the case anymore. Now it's showing up in everything the meth, the cocaine, as well as the heroin and most of the time, with addiction, it really is polyuse, because you've got to have something to get you back up again if you're still working, if you're still doing something. I didn't understand any of those things when my son was living, but I do understand them now.

Lisa Carole: 20:28

Yes, ma'am, I understand more about it myself. We've had to educate ourselves over the years, and it's not been easy. However, I don't want to give up on hope, and I know you don't either. You're truly amazing and true inspiration, and I'd like for you to share with our audience all of the many projects that you have established and work on in honor of your son's lives.

Freida McDonald: 20:54

Oh, I'll be glad to thank you for the Stephen. He had a tattoo that said no K-N-O-W Hope and his KNOW Hope tattoo kind of surprised me. It was the first one he had ever gotten and I didn't have one at the time and I was just questioning him about why he got that and he said you got a KNOW Hope, Mama. And that just really has stuck with me, particularly after losing him, and so I have started a nonprofit, Know Hope North Carolina, and the mission of that is to remember all of those that we've lost and to give hope to those who are struggling and, of course, to support those in recovery, those who are struggling, and, of course, to support those in recovery. I always feel like that any of my loved ones and I have a lot that are in recovery they're heroes to me. Anybody that's working on battling this demon. They have to do it every day.

Freida McDonald: 22:00

And my son, Michael, his favorite reading in NA when he was really working on his own sobriety was Just for Today. And I feel like that no hope and just for today go together very well, because that's all any of us can do Just for today, no hope, and I feel like that, the grief that we are experiencing in these horrific losses that we've had, is very parallel to being in recovery. I'm not trying to say at all that I don't think that their struggle, a person that is in recovery, person that is in recovery is not different, in the sense that I know that being dope, sick and the shame and guilt and all those things that go along with addiction are just absolutely horrific. Where I see the parallel is that once we have this kind of grief or once we have this kind of addiction, it's with us. We have to face it every single day for the remainder of our lives. We can't just walk away from it. And I know that my son, if he had realized and again I'm talking about Michael and his addiction if he had realized that once he opened that door to the Roxies which led to the heroin which led to his death from fentanyl, that he would have never opened the door.

Freida McDonald: 23:29

Knowledge is not only powerful but it generates compassion and patience, Because I realize that if Michael had really known what he was getting into, that he wouldn't have made that choice. And you oftentimes hear well, they're making a choice. And my response to that is they may have been making a choice in the beginning, but once they took a hold of them, once they were in the throes of addiction, once their decision-making capabilities became compromised and once all the triggers of dopamine and wanting to use again kicked in, that's not a choice, that's an addiction, that's a brain disease and that's something that they have to struggle with every single day of their lives. And to me, that's a brave person that says enough is enough and I'm going to put this down and I'm going to Give up everything I know to go into some kind of a program for a period of time and work on myself and be willing to get up every day and do it again.

Lisa Carole: 24:55

Yes, you're very correct when you say that I tell my son you are the strongest person I know in order to face this and try to do something about it, because it takes a lot of strength and courage and it is not easy. It's like a merry-go-round that someone cannot get off of, Freida. I also want to know what inspires you, what moves you? I understand that you also are helping now with other recovering addicts and they're in active recovery right now. Tell me about that experience and I'm sure they love you and they are so appreciative of you, but tell me how that has changed your life too, and helping other people with this.

Freida McDonald: 25:41

Thank you, Lisa, for the opportunity. I can honestly say that, out of everything that I'm trying to do right now with Know Hope, North Carolina and with what I've mentioned about support groups and helping people, supporting people in recovery makes my heart sing and gives me the most hope is seeing someone that has been really struggling with their addiction and reach out and say you know what I really need to get into detox and I really need to get a long-term plan in place, and that there's nothing that is more rewarding than being able to take someone to a detox, watch them go through their intake and assessment and spend that that seven to ten days, whatever the case may be, and do that and then say I don't want to just go back and do. I know I'll just end up going back and doing the same things. I want to go straight from here and do something else and to see that happen and then to actually witness someone coming out of a year-long program and graduating from it and then speaking at a group to people that have only been in recovery from 30 days.

Freida McDonald: 27:12

It just warms my heart and I have had the opportunity not from really anything at all that I've done, but I've had the opportunity because of the people that Stephen and Michael knew that both know that I have helped other people. Their friends and loved ones have come to me over the, particularly over the last five years, asking for help, and so I've had the privilege of being able to. That news has been shared with their friends and so I've just had the privilege of having a lot of people come to me and want help and seeing them do well, even if it takes it doesn't matter how long it takes back and forth to seeing them. Once they get that seed planted of recovery or that tool in their tool belt and they want to continue to go, I'm always just so honored to be able to watch that process unfold. That's one of the most rewarding things that I can say about what I do now.

Lisa Carole: 28:18

Well, thank you so much. What I'm hearing from you is recovery is possible and I hope and pray that more awareness and education is brought to this matter. I hope the stigma goes away and I just want to thank you so very much for this interview and everything that you do. My heart and prayers go out to you, my friend, and I'm so honored to have you and as my, to have met you, and amidst our pain, there are moments of joy, and I just want to wish you many blessings. Thank you, frida.

Freida McDonald: 28:55

Thank you.

Lisa Carole: 28:55

Lisa, have a great day, thank you. Thank you, you're welcome.